" You tried so hard to understand them
You wanted to be part of what was happening
You saw them having fun
And it seemed like such a mystery
Almost magic

Made you think that there was something wrong with you
You'd look in the mirror and try to find it
You thought that you were ugly
And that everyone was looking at you

So you learned to be invisible
To look down
To avoid conversation

You're sensitive and you hide it because you fear
getting stepped on one more time
It seems that when you show a part of yourself that is
the least bit vulnerable someone takes advantage of you
One of them steps on you

They mistake kindliness for weakness
But you know the difference
You've been the brunt of their weakness for years
And strength is something you know a bit about because
you had to be strong to keep yourself alive

You know yourself very well now
And you don't trust people
You know them too well

You try to find that special person
Someone you can be with
Someone you can touch
Someone you can talk to
Someone you don't feel so strange around
And you find that they don't really exist
You feel closer to people on movie screens

Yes, I think I know you
You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived
It astounds you how they can be so smooth
How they seem to pass through life as if life itself
was some divine gift

For you life is a long trip
Terrifying and wonderful
Birds sing to you at night
The rain and the sun the changing seasons are true friends
Solitude is a hard won ally, faithful and patient

Yeah, I think I know you "

-Henry Rollins



Edit~
... after leaving japan i changed trying to hide the monster and not to scare anybody in the dojo or whereever, wonder if that was good after all. basically you are what you are doing and putting forth an easy attitude makes you easy and maybe weak. trying to hide the light, not looking in anybody's eyes, trying not to make them think of me as a threat - all this steeps into mind and body and here we go again, self-consciousness, shyness, fear, that's all you get out of that. you might not be what you pretend to be but what you think - that's what you are.