by Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat

So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a
whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here.  All the
sinister dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school
riot girls in baby-doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or
permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills.
 
Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one-night stand?
Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered
before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature
with a culture all his own.  In short, a Geek.

Why Geek Dudes Rule:
a) They are generally available.
b) Other women will tend not to steal them.
c) They can fix things.
d) Your parents will love them.
e) They're rich.


Where The Geek Dude Lurks
While they are often into alternative music, Geek Dudes tend not to go to
shows too often.  Instead, you'll find them hanging out with their friends,
discussing the latest hard-ware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates
impressions.

You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them,
thus showing that they went to certain shows?  Well, Geek Dudes wear
t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus
showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases.  A small, though
convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst Geek Dudes.  Try wearing
one of these shirts yourself, and see if your target Geek strikes up a
conversation.

Of course, the best way to meet a Geek Dude is through the Internet.  All
geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace,
carrying on an e-mail romance in which the Geek has the chance to combine
an activity he is comfortable with-computing-with one he is very
uncomfortable with-socializing.  To many Geek Dudes, cyberdating is just an
advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack
of players.  Their lack is your strength.

Imprinting
You might notice that Geek Dudes harbor some strange ideas about how the
world works, and some particularly strange ideas about women.  There is a
reason for this.  Because they've had limited interpersonal experience,
Geek Dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models.  Lacking a real world
social milieu, Geeks often go through a transference stage with such
narratives, and try to model their interactions on them.  Thus, certain
media images and themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized
reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming as "mere
entertainment".  Case in point, our next topic...

The Trek Factor
If you're not up on your "Star Trek", you can forget about getting or
keeping a Geek Dude.  And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk and
Spock either.  You've got to be up on your "Star Trek The Next Generation",
your "Star Trek Deep Space Nine", and your "Babylon 5".  Armed with your
own knowledge of Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to
act.

The sexual politics of Star Trek are pretty blunt:  the men run the
technology and the ship, and the women are caretakers (a doctor and a
counselor).  Note the sexual tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise: the
women are in skin-tight uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair; the
men are often balding, and sporting some sort of permanently attached computer
auxiliary.

This world metaphorizes the fantasies of the Geek Dude, who sees himself in
the geeky-but-heroic male officers-and who secretly desires a sexy, smart,
Deanna or Beverly to come along and deferentially accept him for who he is.
If you are willing to accept that this is his starting point for reality,
you are ready for a Geek Relationship.

Once You've Nabbed Him
Of course, catching the Geek Dude is only half the battle.  Keeping him by
your side is another story altogether.  I was privileged to speak with Miss
Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a Geek Guy, but was also clever
enough to marry him just a few short months ago.  She interrupted her
newlywed bliss, to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a Geek
Man:

Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands.  If you can hang with
the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates.  They are the most
attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more
alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed).  Definitely give Geeks
a chance.

Geek Cuisine
Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think
and aren't all that into cooking for themselves.  Make sure that your Geek
understands that you are not merely a "replicator" (see Star Trek), and
provide him with home-cooked food.  A batch of chocolate chip cookies will
let him know that you love him.  You do have to monitor your Geek for
weight gain, however; remember that most of their days are spent sitting
and staring at a monitor.

Geek Lifestyle
The Geek Dude has long work habits, and tends to bring his work home with
him.  He seems permanently connected to his hard disk. You must at least
appear interested in his work.  Generally, a solid understanding of the
computer is a must; if you cannot master this, you should at least be able
to talk the Talk.  Remember most Geeks are anal and they get stressed about
details which appear insignificant to any outsider.  Be understanding, put
on your best Deanna Troi face (see above), and empathize.

To relax, Geeks love to play the latest computer games.  Let him play Myst
or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he wants to.  Act concerned if
he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MIGs.  My Geek loves to try
to help people on the Internet who say that they are stuck in Myst.  He
comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point blank.  Geeks
also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese animated movies; again, a basically
harmless vent for your man.

Geek Buddies
Many Geek Dudes extend their work friendships into what they jokingly refer
to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big room with the ceiling that is
sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights").  The greatest
thing about your Geek's buddies is that you can feel secure in setting them
up with your girlfriends.  They may feel awkward around females at first,
so don't overwhelm them.  In time, they will come out of their shell, and
realize that you are into the same things they are.

Post-It Note
I thank Victoria for the above advice.  I must say that when she read my
draft of the piece, before writing her section, she asked her husband which
one he thought she was more like, Deanna or Bev.  Howard, the devil,
immediately replied that he had always thought Victoria was actually most
like Ensign Ro Laren, a cute character with a slight authority problem who
is always had trouble (this is fairly apt).  This exchange is interesting
for several reasons:
1) Howard had already thought about who she was most like.
2) He could summon up characters from seasons past with ease.
3) Victoria actually knew who he meant.

Folks, I think this marriage will last.

One Last Thing
Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks have
gone underground.  You may actually know some and just haven't noticed
them.  They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to
realize this as you grow closer to them.  Don't ever try to force the
issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you.
Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a
new interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet.

Geek dudes thrive on mystery, and love challenges and intellectual puzzles.
Don't you consider yourself one?  Wouldn't you like a little intellectual
stimulation of your own?  We thought so.

-- 
John R. Simpson
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward
me in many ways to keep me quiet., Ineffective Daily Affirmations #23